In today’s lesson, we’ll teach the basics that you need for any internet conversation.
How to Talk to Strangers on the Internet
1. Never use your real name.
This is an obvious one. If someone on the Internet knows your real identity, they could just as soon abduct and kill you. In fact, this rule applies to everyone. If you’re a wanna be abductor-kill0r, you definitely do not want to reveal your true identity.
Use a pseudonym, like HungarianHotness, xXanimeshowOo, or DutchElmDisease101. If you pick the right name, people will unavoidably assume you’re some sort of tasty Hungarian pastry, their favorite episode of Evangelion, or a blight on suburbia.
2. Always hide your location.
In case you didn’t know, the latest hacking fad is the IGB, or Internet Guided Bomb. If the enemy knows your location, they can:
- Threaten to send the police out to arrest you. VERY LOUDLY.
- Threaten to “report you to the Internet Police”, who will send even more threatening messages to you until you surrender all your packets.
- Address you by your real name and address. This can be very intimidating; few people won’t crack under the pressure of being called by their real name, or the fact that someone “knows where you live.”
3. Disguise the fact that you don’t speak English.
This is critical. It’s cool to mispell things, but some people have complete neglect for how words are actually used in English:
DutchElmDisease101: John how many of theese money are yours ?
DanCool: see you later
MonkeyFriend: i dont think we will see later
4. Pretend you’re 30 years old, and not 12 like you actually are.
This is important. Only grown-ups can actually call on the dreaded Internet Police to arrest people, so if you give this up, you’ve given up your leverage. In addition, Adults are always serious, and are never con artists or scammers.
Mr__ary333: Kids, I am not 14
Mr__ary333: Yes, I am with [website]’s undercover
Mr__ary333: you guys broke the rules
Mr__ary333: I am 40
Mr__ary333: I know what is against the rules
innocentvictim: “[website]’s undercover team”
innocentvictim: dum de dum
That’s another thing: always capitalize Adults. It’s a title, so you should wear it with distinction.